Team Klaine Assemble
by darrenchris6
Summary: Crack!fic involving Team Klaine's reaction to finding out Kurt is dating Adam. No slash ships, just Burt, Puck, Blaine, and Jeff assembling to discuss strategies. R
1. Team Klaine Assemble

**Heyyyyyyyyy.**

**So my beta/biffle, PrincessPanda93, and I are writing a collaboration. I will tell you now that it is a crack!fic. It doesn't have any slash ships in it; it is simply our interpretation of how Team Klaine (a.k.a. Burt, Puck, Jeff and Blaine) handled finding out that Kurt was dating Adam. Team Klaine was inspired to us by a tumblr post where Burt, Puck, and Blaine were at a sleepover wearing matching shirts and painting each others' nails.**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Glee and have no desire to. Maybe the old Glee. But not the new one.**

Burt started as the house phone began to ring. Sighing, he got up from where he was sitting next to Carole and Finn watching the game and snatched up the receiver.

"_Yes_?"

"Hi, Dad!" Kurt chirped down the line.

"Hi, kiddo."

"You would not be_lieve_ the news I have! We _just _made it official!"

"Made what official?" Burt asked, starting to take a sip of his beer.

"I have a new boyfriend!"

Burt choked on his beer, Kurt not hearing over his loud, happy humming. "You have a what now?"

"A boyfriend, Dad! Don't be so naïve." Kurt sighed dreamily. "His name is Adam and he's blond and he's British and he sings like an angel."

"An angel that's about to fall," Burt muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing, Kurt, nothing. I have to go now."

"Dad, what-"

_Click._

Burt took a few deep breaths, not caring at the moment that he had just hung up on his son. "Finn, give me Puck's number."

Finn turned around. "What-""

"GIVE ME PUCK'S NUMBER."

"Burt, honey, what's going on?" Carole asked, sounding worried.

Still not looking away from the phone, Burt answered, "Just give me…Puckerman's…number. Please." Burt's tone must have scared Finn because he quickly pulled out his phone and rattled off the number.

"I'll be right back," Burt said, quietly walking out of the room. Once in the kitchen, Burt dialed Puck's number, waiting impatiently as it rang.

"Hello?"

"IRON KLAINE-Is Puck home?" Burt forced his voice down to normal levels.

"Can I ask who's calling?"

"Just tell him The Incredible Klaine."

There was silence for a few seconds before Puck's mother murmured a confused agreement and called for her son. "Sweetheart, someone calling themselves The Incredible Klaine is on the phone for you!"

Burt could hear Puck's response over his own phone.

"_I GOT IT UPSTAIRS, MOM, HANG UP THE PHONE!_ Burt?! What is it?"

"We have an emergency!" Burt said, feeling his heart start to speed up. "Assemble The Team!"

"You grab the shirts, I have the candles! And I'll grab Captain Klaine! The spot?"

"The spot." Burt hung up the phone before bursting back into the living room. "CAROLE ARE THE SHIRTS CLEAN?"

Carole looked up, startled. "The shirts? …Oh, you mean the weird candle shirts?"

"THEY'RE NOT WEIRD-I mean, yes. WHERE ARE THEY WOMAN?"

Finn's eyes were as round as saucers as his mother answered. "They're under your pillow, like they always are."

Burt ran up the stairs without a word, grabbing the shirts and his car keys before running out to his car without saying goodbye to either Finn or Carole. He drove to the spot as fast as he could, relieved when he saw Puck and Blaine already waiting for him.

"What's Loki's name?" Puck demanded as soon as Burt walked over. Burt noticed Blaine hugging a stuffed dog to himself, knowing what this emergency meeting meant.

"_Adam_," Burt spit out darkly. Blaine let out a high pitched whine, his face crumpling as he buried his face into Margaret Thatcher.

"Let's go," Puck said, eyes narrowed.

The three of them started walking, sneaking through the dark grounds of Dalton. They ripped their shirts off as they went, buttons popping from Burt's plaid shirt, Blaine discarding his bowtie, and Puck shredding his shirt unnecessarily. They pulled on their turquoise _Team Klaine _T-shirts with the _i_ in 'Klaine' a candle, Pavarotti the flame. A blackbird was holding the candle, whispering "I'll never say goodbye to you." On the back was written the inscription _You make me feel like a teenage dream tonight_.

Blaine, Burt, and Puck snuck into Dalton, Blaine leading them to The Spot. It was where he had first confessed his feelings to-Burt held back a sob-Kurt and where he had kissed him for the first time. There was no holding back the second sob, but he wasn't alone in his feelings. They walked into the room, Jeff already waiting for them.

Shirtless.

Burt threw his shirt at him, nodding. "Hello, Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine."

Jeff quickly slipped into his Team Klaine shirt, looking over at Blaine curled up into a ball, cuddling Margaret Thatcher to his body. "Now is not the time, Captain Klaine. Over here with the rest of us."

Blaine joined them in the circle on the floor, resting Margaret Thatcher in his lap. "Are we going to pray for the reassembling of Team Klaine first?"

Burt nodded. "Let us join hands."

The four of them lit their candles before linking their hands, eyes closing before they began to sing softly.

_You think I'm pretty without any makeup on  
You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong  
I know you get me when I let my walls come down  
Down_

Their hands tightened their grips as they continued to sing through all three minutes and forty seconds of the song. They all had tears softly, silently streaming down their cheeks when they finished.

"What is the urgent matter?" Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine asked.

"There is an enemy troop. A mortal Loki moving in on Kurt," Iron Klaine answered.

Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine gasped. "No!"

"It's true," Captain Klaine said mournfully. "I got a notification on my phone. Didn't you all?"

"Yes, right after Kurt called me," The Incredible Klaine muttered.

"Did anyone call HawKlaine or The Klaine Widow?" Iron Klaine asked suddenly.

"I'm sure The Klaine Widow already knows," Captain Klaine said. "She lives with Kurt and Rachel after all."

"And I think HawKlaine is out with Brittney, and he always turns his phone off," The Incredible Klaine supplied. "We'll fill him in later."

"So what are we going to do?" Iron Klaine asked, slamming a fist into his palm. "We cannot allow this to happen."

"It's obvious," Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine said. "We instill Operation Candles."

"Yes."

"_Yes_."

"We must," Iron Klaine said, eyes flashing.

Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine opened his mouth to speak, but he was interrupted by someone walking into the room.

"Um…" Sebastian was standing in the doorway, looking awkward.

"RUN!"

"DISASSEMBLE."

"_DISASSEMBLE_."

"DISPOSE OF THE SHIRTS. CAREFULLY."

"What the hell is going on!?" Sebastian cried as a topless Burt ran past him.

Burt quickly ran to his car, where he pulled on a fresh plaid shirt. He nonchalantly started the car, pulling out of the parking lot and respecting speed limits as he drove home. When he finally parked the car, he whistled as he walked through the front door.

"Hey, guys," he said, sitting down next to Finn and Carole on the couch. "What are you two still doing up?"

"We…We were worried about you," Carole said nervously.

Burt's eyes lit up when he saw his beer, picking it up and finishing it. "Well, I'm fine. Ready for bed?"

"Um…sure, Burt," Finn said, getting up off the couch slowly. "As long as you're okay…I'll see you in the morning."

_In the morning, _Burt thought with a smile as Finn ran up the stairs, _we are starting Operation Candles._

**OhmysweetDestiel**

**We weren't watching **_**The Avengers**_** or anything while writing this…**

**Hope you all enjoyed! (Most of the time PrincessPanda93 and I were lying facedown in puddles of tears of laughter)**


	2. Operation Candles

**Who knew writing "Team Klaine Assemble" would result in a sequel?**

"Are we ready?"

The Incredible Klaine looked around at his fellow Klainers. Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine was wearing his red curtains from Dalton and the feathered helmet. His boyfriend, Mjölnir, was by his side, dressed all in black. Iron Klaine was wearing red pants, a plastic mask on his face, and plastic hand laser gloves strapped to his arms. Captain Klaine had on a blue catsuit and red boots with a mask and a shield strapped to his back. The Klaine Widow was wearing her _black_ catsuit with a red wig and a mask over her eyes. HawKlaine was wearing a black jumpsuit, his quiver of Nerf arrows strapped to his back and the Nerf bow in his hand. Black plates were on his arms, an eye mask on his face, and finger protectors on his hands so he wouldn't get splinters from his Nerf arrows. The Incredible Klaine looked down at himself, taking in the purple shorts and green body paint, wearing a plastic mask and Hulk Smash gloves. All of Team Klaine-except for Mjölnir-were wearing their Team Klaine shirts. "_Hulk smash!" _sounded as he punched his fists together.

"Ready," five people echoed.

The team sat in the back of a crowded subway, ignoring the weird looks they were receiving. They began to go over Operation Candles. The Incredible Klaine asked the questions and The Klaine Widow provided the answers.

"Name?"

"Adam Crawford."

"Gender?"

"Male."

"Age?"

"Twenty-two."

"Hair?"

"Blond."

"Eyes?"

"Blue."

"Height?"

"Six feet."

"Aliases?"

"Doctor Who."

"Doctor Who?" HawKlaine looked up.

"It's a TV show," Captain Klaine provided. "It's British."

"Loki is British," The Klaine Widow said. "His accent turns Damsel to goo."

All six sets of eyes narrowed. Mjölnir sat there silently, staring straight ahead as they conversed around him. He was there for props.

"We're only about four minutes until his neighborhood," The Klaine Widow said after a few more minutes. "Begin assembling."

They all stood in their powerful superhero positions, Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine holding onto Mjölnir's hand. Some people looked nervous now, and shrunk in on themselves when Team Klaine walked off of the subway.

"This way," The Klaine Widow said, leading the way to Loki's apartment. Upon arriving, they paused outside Loki's door. Iron Klaine turned on his laser lights and held them up.

"I'll take care of the door," he said determinedly, making a blasting noise at the door before kicking it open. HawKlaine holstered an arrow, Captain Klaine removed his shield, and The Black Widow pulled out her water guns. Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine held out his hand, and Mjölnir threw the hammer to him, making a _swoosh_ing noise. The Incredible Klaine smashed his fists together, grinning when "_Hulk smash!" _sounded in the hallway. They all jumped into the apartment, and Loki looked up, startled, as he dropped his tea.

HawKlaine shot a Nerf arrow at Loki. "Caw, caw, motherfucker!"

"HawKlaine. Language," The Incredible Klaine scolded before turning back to Loki and smashing his fists together again.

"What the hell is going on?" Loki exclaimed. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"DO I LOOK TO BE IN A GAMING MOOD?!" Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine thundered. He held his hammer up over his head, Mjölnir standing on his tiptoes to keep a hold of it.

Loki's eyes widened. "Is…is that a toy?"

"Oh, you've done it now," Iron Klaine said. "You don't disrespect his hammer. He _loves_ his hammer."

As if to confirm it, Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine screamed, "MJOLNIR IS NO MERE TOY. HE IS OF ASGARD, MY HOME." He threw the hammer at Loki, Mjölnir stumbling after it to push it into Loki's chest.

Loki moved away from Mjölnir, picking up the hammer and looking at it curiously. "Could someone please just tell me what is going on?!"

"He's stronger than we thought," Captain Klaine said, his eyes widening.

"Only I should be able to lift Mjölnir," Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine added.

"Not even _I_ can lift it," The Incredible Klaine said, shocked.

Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine held out his hand, and Mjölnir reached over and grabbed hold of the hammer. Loki held onto the hammer, furrowing his eyebrows. Mjölnir gritted his teeth, struggling with Loki.

"GIVE IT BACK!" Mjölnir finally screamed out. "Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine is calling for me!" Shouting angrily, he leaned over and punched Loki in the stomach, finally wrestling the hammer out of Loki's hands. He ran over to Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine and pushed the hammer into his hand, glaring at Loki.

"_I'm so confused!_" Loki shouted, cradling his head in his hands. "_Who are you guys?"_

"We are Team Klaine," Captain Klaine said in a low, slow, dark voice.

"And that is all you need to know," The Klaine Widow said, squirting her water guns at Loki.

"CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKER!" HawKlaine said, notching three more Nerf arrows and shooting them at Loki from right next to him. "CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKER! CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"_HawKlaine_! Do I need to talk to you again about your language! Don't make me angry, young man!"

"Aren't you already angry?" Iron Klaine asked. "You are green."

"Now is not the time, Iron Klaine," The Incredible Klaine muttered.

"CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKER!" Loki flinched as another arrow hit him, still holding his hands up against The Klaine Widow's water guns. "CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"All right, Lo-"

"_CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKER!"_

"_HawKlaine!_ Enough!" The Incredible Klaine turned to The Klaine Widow. "And you! Stop shooting him! We're never going to get anywhere if we just keep shooting at him!" He didn't notice as HawKlaine shot one more Nerf arrow at Loki, mouthing _caw, caw, motherfucker._

"But I haven't had a turn yet," Captain Klaine said, still in that dark voice as he glared at Loki.

"Yeah, neither have I," Iron Klaine whined.

"Operation Candles, guys," The Incredible Klaine reminded, sighing exasperatedly. "We need to go through with Operation Candles."

Captain Klaine turned back to Loki, taking a few steps towards him. Loki looked up at him, eyes widening as he made to stand up. HawKlaine notched another Nerf arrow warningly, but Captain Klaine held out his hand, stopping him.

"Listen up, Loki," he said, eyes narrowing. Loki tried interrupting, his face a mask of confusion, but Captain Klaine pushed onward. "You need to let the Damsel go. Release your mind control over him."

"Or else," HawKlaine said menacingly, pointing the arrow between Loki's eyes. Loki's eyes went cross-eyed trying to stare at it, his jaw dropping.

"I seriously have no idea what you're talking about," Loki pleaded. "Just please leave me alone."

"As soon as _you_ leave the _Damsel _alone we shall," Jeff, son of Oden, god of Klaine said, throwing the hammer at him again. Looking determined, Mjölnir ran across the room, hitting Loki harder than he had before. He kept it pressed against his chest so he wouldn't be able to get up.

Iron Klaine raised his hands to Loki's face, turning his laser lights back on. "Now are you going to release the Damsel?"

The Incredible Klaine smashed his fists together. "You'd better. Or the other guy is gonna get angry."

"_Look_," Loki said, starting to sound angry, "I _don't know-_"

"STOP LYING CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKER!" HawKlaine shot the arrow, but it veered off target and hit one of the knick knacks and broke it. "Oh, shit, I'm so sorry." He pulled out another arrow and shot it at Loki's arm. "Caw, caw, motherfucker!"

"Look, my boyfriend will be here in about five minutes and-"

"_What_?!" The Incredible Klaine said. "DISASSEMBLE. DISASSEMBLE!"

The seven of them shot out the door, HawKlaine soaring through the doorway with one last shout of "_Caw, caw, motherfucker!_" They ran down the hallway, barreling down the hallway as they ripped off their shirts.

"IF WE SEPARATE WE'LLMEET AT THE SUBWAY IN TEN MINUTES!" Captain Klaine shouted. He barely noticed as they passed Kurt, whose eyes widened as he turned and watched -them run.

…

Kurt ran up to Adam's apartment, eyes widening when he saw his boyfriend's door kicked down. Nerf arrows were strewn around the apartment, and the couch was soaked with water. Adam was sitting in the middle of the couch, clutching his hair and rocking back and forth. He was whispering something over and over again, and Kurt leaned forward to listen to what it was.

"What the fuck just happened, what the fuck just happened, what the fuck just happened…"

**Well. This one is my favorite. Our favorite. Just Nick and Sam. The first one was not complete without them.**

**CAW, CAW, MOTHERFUCKERS!**


End file.
